Dad’s Mental Health Matters Too

When we think about pregnancy and postpartum, we usually first think about the baby and then about the person who gave birth. When we visit, we ask how the baby is sleeping, or ask mom how she’s healing, and how she’s coping. But there’s often someone else just outside the centre of that conversation: the dad, the partner, the non-birthing parent. The person who may be changing diapers, making bottles, worrying about finances, trying to hold it together for everyone else, and quietly wondering why they don’t feel like themselves.

June is recognized as Men’s Mental Health Month, and as Father’s Day approaches, I wanted to take a closer look at the mental health of new and expecting fathers and partners. Not because their experience is the same as the birthing parent, but because it matters too.

The Transition Into Fatherhood

Becoming a parent is a major life transition, and that change often begins long before the baby arrives. Pregnancy and postpartum can bring joy and connection, but they can also bring stress, uncertainty, grief, anxiety, relationship strain, sleep deprivation, and a changing sense of identity. For fathers, a lot of that experience can go unnoticed.

Dads today are often more involved than in previous generations. They attend appointments, take parental leave when possible, change diapers, soothe babies, share household responsibilities, and become emotionally connected caregivers. This is a meaningful and positive cultural shift, and many fathers want to be active, nurturing, hands-on parents. At the same time, our cultural ideas about masculinity haven’t always caught up. Many men are still raised with messages that tell them to be strong, stay calm, provide financially, fix problems, and that they shouldn’t need to ask for help. These messages may not be said directly, but they’re often present: “Man up.” “Be strong for the family.” “Don’t make this about you.” “You’re not the one who had the baby.” For a dad who’s struggling, those messages can make it even harder to speak up or ask for help. He might be feeling overwhelmed, disconnected, anxious, irritable, or sad, but also believes he has no right to feel that way or say anything about it. Instead, he may see his role as supporting everyone else, while quietly pushing his own needs further down the list.

When Dads Feel Invisible

Many dads and partners describe feeling like an extra person in perinatal spaces, included but not really seen. At appointments, they may not be asked how they’re doing. In the hospital, they may be treated as a visitor rather than a parent. In conversations with friends or family, the questions may centre on the baby and the mother, while dad is expected to give updates, carry bags, take photos, and stay strong.

Paternal perinatal mental health struggles are real. Research suggests that about 10% of fathers will develop a Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorder, or PMAD. When the birthing parent is struggling with their own postpartum mental health, the father’s or partner’s risk also increases. If the mother or birthing parent develops a PMAD, the father or partner’s chances of developing one as well can increase to 50%. This doesn’t mean that one parent causes the other’s struggles; it means that families are connected, and when one person is suffering, the whole family feels the impact.

What Struggle Can Look Like

PMADs in fathers don’t always look the way people expect. Some dads may feel low, tearful, or hopeless, but others might show their struggle in different ways, such as:

• becoming more irritable, angry, or easily frustrated
• seeming restless, withdrawn, checked out, or emotionally distant
• working longer hours or staying busy to avoid slowing down
• spending more time on their phone, gaming, or zoning out
• drinking more, using substances, or taking more risks
• avoiding hard conversations or pulling away from their partner
• noticing more physical symptoms, like tension, headaches, stomach issues, exhaustion, or feeling constantly on edge

What can look like pulling away or not caring may actually be a dad doing his best to manage feelings he doesn’t know how to explain.

Dads Aren’t “Helping”, They’re Parenting

One of the most important things we can do is shift how we understand father involvement. Being a father isn’t only about providing financially or protecting the family from the outside world. Fatherhood is also found in the ordinary, repeated acts of care. It’s in changing diapers, packing snacks, learning the baby’s cues, noticing when the laundry is piling up, rocking a baby at 3 a.m., asking the coparent what they need, playing on the floor, reading the same book for the tenth time, and trying again after getting it wrong.

Hands-on involvement helps fathers build confidence, helps babies build connection, and supports the mental health of the whole family. When dads are actively involved, they’re not just “helping”, they’re parenting. This matters because many fathers want to be involved, but don’t always feel confident at first. When feeding, soothing, and sleep all feel unfamiliar, it can be easy to wonder, “Am I doing this right?”. If a dad is constantly being corrected, criticized, pushed aside, or only called in when something needs to be fixed, he might begin to step back. Not because he doesn’t care, but because he feels like he’s failing before he’s had a chance to learn.

This doesn’t mean blaming mothers or birthing parents, who are often carrying an enormous mental load and managing their own overwhelm, anxiety, trauma, or exhaustion. The goal isn’t to argue about which parent has it harder, it’s to make more room for honest conversations about how both parents are doing and what each person needs.

How We Can Support Fathers

Support for fathers doesn’t need to be complicated to be meaningful. We can start by asking better questions.

• Instead of only asking, “How are mom and baby?” we can ask, “How are you adjusting?”
• Instead of saying, “You need to be strong for your family,” we can say, “You deserve support too.”
• Instead of assuming a dad is uninterested, we can ask what would help him feel more confident and connected.
• Instead of waiting until things are at a breaking point, we can normalize checking in early.

For fathers themselves, support might look like talking to a trusted friend, connecting with other dads, attending therapy, joining a group, or learning more about infant development. It might also mean creating a weekly check-in with their partner, or making a realistic plan for sleep, movement, food, and time for self-care for both parents.

This Father’s Day, Let’s Check In

This Father’s Day, alongside the cards, silly ties, BBQ brushes, socks, and dad jokes, maybe we can make space for something more honest. Maybe we can check in on the new dad who seems distant, the expecting father who’s quietly anxious, the dad whose baby spent time in the NICU, the father grieving a pregnancy loss, or the partner who’s trying to hold everything together and is starting to disappear under the weight of it.

Fathers aren’t secondary characters in the perinatal period. They’re part of the family system. Their mental health affects them, their partners, their babies, and the relationships that hold the family together. When we support dads, we aren’t taking support away from mothers or birthing parents, we are expanding care for the whole family.

If you’re looking for support or want to learn more, you’re welcome to connect with me through Rogue Healing Psychotherapy by visiting roguehealing.ca, emailing courtney@roguehealing.ca, or following along @rogue.healing on social media.